Sharing helpful ways to love and support a family going through an interrupted/failed adoption.
Guest Post: Adoption Isn't A Way To Get Pregnant
The moment the nurse placed him in my arms, I knew we belonged to each other. All the tears and frustrations of the past several years pooled into a fountain of joy. Now I understood why God has us wait for a baby: So we could have this baby.
After my husband and I struggled with infertility, the Lord blew us away with His kindness and matched us with a loving birthmother. Through her brave choice, He gave us a son.
People were happy for us. They threw us showers, brought meals, and eagerly cuddled our son. Yet amid the celebration, we heard comments hinting at something better to come. A wink here, a nudged elbow there, the crack of a smile implying special intuition. I cringed every time someone uttered the words:
“Now that you’ve adopted, you’ll get pregnant. It happens all the time.”
No. No, it doesn’t happen all the time. Research on pregnancy after infertility doesn’t account for couples who adopt before getting pregnant. From a scientific standpoint, this idea is a myth.
People who say this mean well. They’re trying to give you hope that your longing for a biological child will be fulfilled. What they don’t understand is that this myth devalues adoptees. It regards the process of adoption as inferior to biological procreation, and an adopted child as less desirable than a biological child.
Regardless of good intentions, statements like “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant” hurt people. They question couples’ family-building decisions, treat children as a means to an end, and reject the core Christian belief that God created all human beings in His image (Genesis 1:27).
Every life matters to God. He calls us as His image bearers to respect and preserve the dignity of every single person. No matter how a child is brought into a family, he or she is worthy of value to the Lord and to the world.
God grows families through both pregnancy and adoption. The varied makeup of the earthly families he builds reflects the diversity of our spiritual family. We come from different backgrounds, far-flung places, and widely ranging walks of life, all broken and in need of rescue. By sending Christ to die in our place and raise to new life, God gave us the right to be called His adopted children. As He welcomed us into His family, so we can embrace and appreciate the mosaic of families he forms in the world.
Through earthly adoption, God does more than unite parents with children. He provides a path to redeem some of the damage the Fall inflicted on childbearing and family unity. He takes crises like infertility, unexpected pregnancy, and children who are orphaned or otherwise at risk and transforms them into opportunities for restoration.
As with any earthly process, adoption isn’t perfect. It can’t completely “fix” these problems. Yet the creation of a family born of loss renders hope for a broken world groaning to be made anew (Romans 8:19). Like with our spiritual adoption, we need earthly adoption to claim the family wholeness we crave.
Viewing adoption as secondary to biological procreation diminishes a beautiful process whereby God works redemption. Rather than a lesser means to a better end, adoption is a resolution, a responsibility, a calling, and a gift. It’s an end unto itself and should be appreciated as a providential plan. John Piper describes the intrinsic worth of both ways God designs a family:
“In our lives, there is something uniquely precious about having children by birth. That is a good plan. There is also something different, but also uniquely precious, about adopting children. Each has its own uniqueness. Your choice to adopt children may be sequentially second. But it does not have to be secondary. It can be as precious and significant as having children by birth.”
Although it’s rare, some couples do get pregnant after adopting. It happened to us. I have no explanation for it, other than to say God worked another miracle after the first miracle of bringing our oldest son through adoption. We’re grateful for how he formed our family using different paths at different times.
Wherever you’re at on the path of adoption, be prepared to encounter the myth that adoption leads to pregnancy. Even if infertility isn’t part of your story, you’ll hear it tossed around as a platitude or joke.
While it’s frustrating to be told such a harmful cliché, try to approach the situation as an opportunity to educate others. Tell them that a child who is adopted isn’t a consolation prize for parents who couldn’t conceive. Give them a clearer picture of adoption, acknowledging the risks and flaws while also highlighting the value and beauty of this path.
Ask the Lord to give you boldness and gentleness to correct the myth. Help others see the glorious ways God chooses to grow a family, that they might glorify your Father in heaven.
Jenn Hesse is a writer, wife, and mother through adoption and pregnancy. She is the content director at a national infertility support ministry called Waiting in Hope, and has a passion for equipping others to know Christ through His Word. She writes at jennhesse.com and other Christian publications.
Repost: Fear In The Adoption Process
How will we afford the cost associated with adoption? What if the expectant mother decides to parent? What if there is a history of mental health issues? What if the expectant mother used drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? Are we too old to be considered? Do we have too many children to be desirable to an expectant mother?
As an adoption consultant these questions, concerns and fears enter the conversation quite frequently. But, I can relate. When my husband and I started our adoption journey we had similar concerns. Below, I will examine a few of the most common questions I receive as a consultant.
1. How will we afford the cost associated with adoption? Adoption can be expensive. The cost associated with adoption was one our biggest concerns before walking into the process. If this is one of your fears you are not alone. I would say it’s one of the most common questions I get asked about when a family is inquiring about adoption, “How will we afford it?” And yet, time and time again I see families blown away by the faithfulness of God through the generosity of friends, family and even complete strangers. At Christian Adoption Consultants, we also provide our families with resources and tools on how to fund their adoption through grants, loans, and fundraising.
2. What if the expectant mother changes her mind? Although Christian Adoption Consultants has a lower adoption failure rate (< 20%) than the nation wide failure rate (50-60%), there will always be some level of risk in the adoption process. When a woman is considering an adoption plan for her child, she is making one of the most difficult decisions of her life. Placing a child for adoption is a sacrificial and selfless act of unconditional love. Unless you've walked through this yourself, than you can't possibly understand the thoughts and feelings that surround this decision. No one can predict whether or not an expectant mother will change her mind. However, if you are living and breathing on this earth, then risk is inevitable. You can’t be immune to it; it’s a part of life. A gynecologist can’t guarantee a full-term pregnancy, as there is 1 in 4 chances that a woman will miscarry. But that risk doesn’t prevent couples from trying. There are many potential side effects of prescription drugs and medicine, and yet the majority rarely think twice about taking a pill. At CAC we walk with our families and assist them in navigating the warnings signs to reduce the levels of risks associated with the adoption process.
3. What if there is a history of mental health issues or the expectant mother used drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? I often hear couples say, “We just want a healthy baby.” Drug and alcohol exposure during pregnancy and a history of mental health issues are not uncommon in adoption. The desire for a healthy child isn’t abnormal, but in reality this is something that can’t be guaranteed, even in what some would consider the “best case scenario.” If you are considering adoption, please know that I don’t share this information with you to evoke fear. Rather, I share this to remind you that risk is a part of life and adoption is no exception. I'm confident that God equips families with His grace and strength to handle whatever circumstances may come their way.
4. Will we ever get chosen? Many couples express concerns about whether or not their family will be desirable to an expectant mother. “Are we too old? Are we too young? Do we have too many children?” Every expectant mother has their own set of preferences for an adoptive family. Perhaps one expectant mother may desire a family with many children for her little one to play with. Another expectant mother may prefer a family who has a history of infertility because she feels as though she is giving them something they cannot give themselves. Regardless of your situation, God is using everything about your family to connect with an expectant mother, even when you can’t quite see what He is up to.
When my husband and I were functioning and making decisions through a “what I can handle” lens, fear quickly became a familiar visitor. However, our worry began dissipating when we stopped thinking with an autonomous mentality and started reminding ourselves that our source of strength does not begin or end with ourselves. It is God who equips us with all that we need to journey through this life (and the adoption process)! It also brought us great comfort to know that we couldn’t mess up or miss out on the story God was writing for our family.
If we had let fear govern our decision-making, we probably never would have started the adoption process. And then we would have missed out on the two biggest blessings of our life: Roman and Ruby. Fears and concerns may arise and when they do my prayer is that you would remember the Author who is writing your story-the One who will equip with you everything you need to accomplish everything He will bring along your path.
***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***
Adoption Story: Kenneth + Taylor
I remember the first time I spoke on the phone with Taylor. She had such a sweet and warm demeanor about her and after just a few conversations I had a feeling we would become good friends! Kenneth and Taylor were very open with me about their story and what led them down the path of adoption. And I was honored and humbled that they entrusted me with such a big piece of their heart. Before they started the adoption process they had experienced great loss. But I was truly amazed at their perspective, joy, hope and spirit of perseverance that seemed to resonate through our conversations. Their faith and trust in God throughout this journey has been such an encouragement to me and many others. I pray these words will encourage your heart as Taylor shares about their journey to Aden.
For as long as I can remember, I had a desire to adopt a child. Soon after our marriage we talked about starting our family. I (Taylor) was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 14, which would make it difficult for us to conceive. Our plan was to to conceive a biological child through IVF and then complete our family through adoption. So often “we” make plans and God comes in and shows us his plan. We did two rounds of IVF and I became pregnant with twins, but we miscarried shortly after. Through this very tough time we came together as a family like never before. It became very clear to us that God was pointing us to adoption.
We found Christian Adoption Consultants through lots of research and started working with Kelly Todd. We felt a connection to her immediately. She was so kind and patient with us, as we asked a million questions! She was there to provide us with all the answers and pointed us in the right direction. We never felt lost in this experience because we had her holding our hand walking us through the entire process.
Once the home study was finished we began waiting and presenting our profile to expectant mothers. But we didn’t have to wait too long, because less than one month into the process we got the call we were praying for. We were chosen by an expectant mother due with a little girl in a few short months. We were so excited and couldn’t believe how fast everything unfolded! I will never forget the day we waited at the hotel ready to go and meet baby, but instead got news that her mama had chosen to parent. We respected her decision, but were very heartbroken. We had been praying and preparing for this little girl for months. Through this difficult time our adoption consultant, Kelly, was there for us. She was by our side, sending us encouraging emails and texts, reminding us that our story wasn’t over. Once we came to the realization that she wouldn't be coming home with us, we held strong in our faith. We knew that God had a plan and reminded ourselves that His plan was better than ours and that this baby girl was not meant for us.
We took time to process the loss and a few weeks later resumed our journey to grow our family through adoption. Although it wasn’t easy, we knew everything would work out in His timing. Even though we didn’t have a name or a face, we continued praying for this expectant mama and her baby. One day we got the call that we were matched with an expectant mama who was due in a few weeks. We struggled to stay positive during this time because of what happened previously, but we stayed hopeful even through the uncertainty. During this time Kenneth and I learned so much about each other. We talked more often, prayed together and leaned on family and friends for support. We opened our hearts and minds to truly surrendering for whatever God had in store for us.
A few weeks later we got the call we had been waiting for, “You guys need to start making your way to the hospital.” With heavy and fearful hearts we packed up the car and made the drive. Our baby boy arrived shortly after we made it to the hospital. My husband and I were blessed to receive the gift of seeing our son born into this world, cutting the umbilical cord and doing skin to skin. The love, kindness and generosity our son’s birth mother showed us was truly humbling. She also gave us the honor of being by her side and caring for her boy when she was in the hospital. This gave us time to bond with him. When discharge day came she made the hardest decision she ever had to make. She placed all of her trust in Kenneth and I to be the best parents we could be for her son, Aden. The love she showed and the weight of that decision will never be forgotten and the love she has for her son is undeniable.
This woman made me a mom and I am so grateful for that. We will forever have a bond that is sacred and unbreakable. We are so grateful for this open adoption and our relationship we share with her. We talk often, we share photos and we Facetime. We also have plans for a family vacation together to Disney at the end of the year! She will always be a part of our lives and a part of our family. God has opened our hearts and minds to open adoption and we see the beauty and love of Jesus through this journey.
***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***
The "No" That Led to Our "Yes"
GUEST POST
By Adoptive Mama, Chelsey Sisco
"She’s given birth to the baby. There are no other details right now. We’ve tried to reach out but have been unsuccessful. All we can do is wait and hope she reaches out to us.” Those were the words that drowned me on a Friday morning in late September standing on the sidewalk outside of my office. Exactly one week prior to that Michael and I sat in a Texas Roadhouse 12 hours from home meeting M for the very first time. We talked, laughed, and cried for 3 hours over a nice dinner. That was the day that M gave us ultrasound pictures of her baby girl. I could feel the fear that overwhelmed her when we locked eyes, walked towards each other, and hugged as she handed me the pictures. All I could do was squeeze her and say, “I know. It’s ok.” It was our first time to meet and, unfortunately, would be our last time to meet.
We found out on a few weeks prior that M had chosen us. She was due with her baby girl in a few short weeks. I vividly remember the moment I received that phone call. “She has chosen you guys.” I hit my knees in my office and sobbed uncontrollably. It was just one of those moments that I felt the heaviness I had been carrying for quite some time. We could not have been more excited!
But, I walked back into my office after getting the news about M’s baby being born and called my husband. The baby was born and the agency informed us that it was looking like a faiIed adoption. I can’t even remember what was said. Maybe we said nothing at all and just felt the heaviness of what was happening. All we could do was wait. Wait and hope. Wait and pray. Hadn’t we done enough waiting already? Waiting for what? The next disappointment? The next door slammed in our faces?
I was so angry. So angry with God. So angry with the situation So angry with a broken system. So angry about the money that would be lost. That weekend seemed to last forever as we waited to hopefully hear from M. For her to call us and say “The baby is here. Come get her.” The call never came. The call that did come was from the agency telling us that they were considering this was looking like a failed adoption. I ripped off my jacket, threw it, and screamed. Just this raw scream that I thought, if loud enough, could blow away all of the pain. We had a choice to make. We could “call it” or we could continue to wait to see if M would call. On Sunday, September 30, we decided that we could no longer wait and were ready to accept this as a failed adoption.
Almost as quickly as the years of waiting turned into joy, that joy turned into sorrow. I didn’t want to hear scripture. I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want anyone to tell me that everything happens for a reason, that she wasn’t meant to be ours. I was hurt and I wanted to stay in my hurt. I truly believed that beauty would come of that loss. I knew it would and I knew that because of my belief in the promises of my God. But my heart ached and my grief over that loss was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. Friend, it’s not only okay, but it’s perfectly natural and normal to feel both or all or none or other. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to process grief. It will come in ebbs and flows but the grace of God is constant. What is true and right and comforting is the unfailing love of a God who, I promise you, does have an incredibly beautiful, perfect plan for your life. Rest in that. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.
We spent time in our sadness and even still I revisit that loss sometimes, but we chose not to live there. Not by any strength of our own, but by the power of Christ we were able to choose faith. Families and friends encouraged us to take time to heal, take a break, but something about that loss renewed us. Embers still burned under those ashes and God used them to spark a new fire within us. We chose to begin receiving situations again. We chose to be “all in”, to completely trust in God 100% in every aspect of our adoption journey and our lives. We were chosen by an expectant mother on the very next situation we presented to. Less than two months later she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl and signed consents to place her with us. Today we have a 6 month old baby girl who is absolutely the light of our lives. We celebrated the finalization of her adoption two months ago. She is incredible. She is the beauty that came from every loss we faced. She is the living, breathing proof of God’s grace and goodness. I can’t imagine our lives without her. And not just any “her”, but actually HER. Every little thing that make her exactly who she is. Her eyes. Her grin. Her sweet personality. The way she responds to our voices. Everything about her. I would do it all over again as many times as it took to get to her. Every part of us is stronger and better suited to raise her in God’s love and grace because of all we have experienced, because of everything we went through.
I can’t tell you that I now understand all of the “whys.” My God is too powerful for my feeble mind to comprehend all of his marvelous works. I don’t know why we had to suffer, but I know beauty came from it. I don’t know why we had to wait, but beauty came from it. Our daughter came from it and I wouldn't change any of it. I don’t know God’s purpose for that first baby girl or M who were momentarily in our lives, or us in theirs, but I know that it was never to be her parents or for her to be our daughter. I know that we still pray for her, that I call out her name to the Lord and I lift her up, and maybe we are the only ones who will ever pray for her. Maybe that was our purpose. I can only guess at the reasons and the whys but I find new beauty every time I look back, in the little things, in the big things. God’s handprints are all over our journey and they are all over yours too. Friend, if you are walking through a failed adoption right now, do not lose hope. Do not think your story is over. It isn't. God is at work, even when we can't see what He's up to. Don't give up.
***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***
Adoption Story: Michael + Chelsey
I remember the first time I spoke with Michael and Chelsey over the phone. We talked for at least an hour and I knew within minutes that there was something special about this couple. As their adoption consultant, I not only had the honor of guiding them through the adoption process, I got to know them very well throughout their journey! And I can tell you that I have seen them walk through the unknowns, heartache and loss with the kind of joy and hope that can only be found in Jesus Christ. As Chelsey beautifully explains below, their story is one of God’s faithfulness, grace, mercy and unconditional love. It is my prayer that you will be encouraged by their faith, as I have.
“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”
-Lamentations 3: 22-23-
A mother takes her young son into a store. The store owner approaches the young boy and tells him to take a hand full of candy. The young boy looks up to the store owner and asks if he would get the candy for him. Later that day the mother asks her son, “Why did you ask the store owner to get your candy instead of getting it yourself?” The boy replies, “because his hands are bigger than mine.”
A coworker of Michael told us that story as we packed to go to Florida to await the birth of our baby girl. I couldn’t fully comprehend the meaning behind the story at the time. All I could do was trust. Trust that God’s hands were bigger than mine and He would give us more than we could grab ourselves. Now I understand.
Michael and I knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be parents. It was just the next step and we had no reason to believe we would encounter any problems. Until we did. And the months turned into years. The “trying” turned into diagnoses and surgeries and procedures. The hope turned into despair. The dream turned into a very cruel reality that having biological children was not likely.
We knew that adoption was next. After giving ourselves time to heal from the excruciating loss of that dream, we began researching and pretty quickly decided we were interested in hiring a consultant. We made a phone call to Christian Adoption Consultants in December 2017. Let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous in my life to make a phone call. No answer, but shortly thereafter we received a call back from Kelly Todd. It only took a few minutes for Kelly’s kind, soft voice to dissipate my fears and anxieties about the call. After speaking with her, we decided to dive in. In January 2018 we signed on with CAC and truly began our adoption journey.
By June we were home study approved and ready and excited to begin receiving situations! I’m not sure what I expected but the realities of a large majority of these situations left my heart heavy. I remember asking Kelly if they would all be that way and her answer shed a new light on the journey. She explained that adoption is full of brokenness. Expectant mamas are making an adoption plan for their baby because of the difficult situation they are in. They want a better life for their child. I don’t know what kind of fantasy land I was living in or why, but I needed that explanation. We received a ton of situations, some we presented to and some we didn’t. We didn’t know how to choose whether or not to present and I’m so thankful for a conversation with Kelly during which she reminded me that there was nothing we could do or not do that would ruin God’s plan for our family.
The first few times we presented we were met with “She has decided to move ahead with another family.” Ugh. It was incredibly disappointing. I couldn’t understand what was “wrong” with us. While presenting to one particular situation and awaiting the expectant mother’s decision, I remember feeling defeated. I remember sitting on our couch crying and I looked at Michael and said, “I just want a ‘yes’. I don’t think we’re ever going to get a ‘yes’.” The next day we received a phone call that the expectant mama had chosen us! She said “yes” to us! We were matched! Unfortunately, within just a few weeks, our match failed. Shattered. Our hearts were shattered. Our “yes” turned into an ugly, glaring, painful “no.” Our families told us to take time, that we needed a break. Others told us it was okay to stop trying. I kneeled on the floor of this beautiful nursery in our new home and sobbed. I had been thinking all along that I was believing and trusting in God and in that moment I knew I had not. Not really. I wanted God to give me MY gift the way I wanted it in MY time.
Something about that failed match lit a fire inside of both of us. We were finally “all in.” No more fear, no more analyzing or assessing, no more trying to control, no more forcing. Just trusting. Just saying “yes” to God, down whatever road He would have us go. Just a few weeks later we found out that an expectant mama we were presenting to had chosen us. Being scared would have been the easiest thing to do, but we had vowed to choose faith over fear, so we did. With hope and joy, we gave our hearts to this expectant mama. Less than seven weeks later, she laid her heart, in the form of her beautiful newborn baby girl, in our arms.
I can’t begin to describe the feelings. The pain, the waiting, the longing, the emptiness, the barrenness, the grief, the loss… it all culminated into that moment when we walked into a labor and delivery room at 3:30 AM after driving 10 hours through the night and had our baby girl laid into my arms.
We have been floating since. Our sweet girl turned 10 weeks old today and I still can’t help but stare at her and cry, because of my love for her but also because of God’s love for us. She’s absolutely perfect. God’s hands were so much bigger than mine or Michael’s.
Does it all make perfect sense now? Some would tell you “yes”, but I’ll be honest with you and tell you “No, not exactly.” My little mind is just not capable of understanding God in all his power and wisdom. What I do know, what does make perfect sense, is that God knows. I don’t know when or how or why he chose this baby girl for us. I can’t begin to fathom, but I know I’m as proud of her as if I had made her myself. I know that God knew how our story would unfold long before we did. I know that God is incredible and I stand in complete wonder and awe of His amazing love.
The process of adopting was not an easy one. There were days when it was just hard, in every sense. There were moments when I couldn’t find the strength to even dream of holding our child in my arms. Each and every time, though, God sustained us. God lifted us up, he strengthened us, he renewed our hope, and he covered us in his faithfulness. Like he has always done and like he will always do. Our story is not one of our faith or endurance, but of God’s grace and mercy. Of his ability and willingness to grab a handful of candy for us because his hands are so much bigger than ours and he can hold abundantly more.
***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***