Infertility & Mother's Day

My husband picked the kids up the other day from preschool. I was waiting at the door to greet them. They came running with papers in their hands and their backpacks dragging on the ground. Roman said with the biggest dimpled filled grin on his face, "Mommy! Mommy! We made something for you for your Birthday!" Ruby jumps in, "No, not for her Birthday, for Mother's Day! Here you go, mommy!" As I looked down at my beautiful and handsome almost 5 year old twins, my heart smiled. In that joy-filled moment I thought to myself, "These are the moments I dreamed about. These are the moments I prayed for."

For the first four years of our marriage I hated Mother's Day. I didn't want to hate it, but I did. For me Mother's Day seemed like a tease, marked with confusion, anger, jealousy, despair and bitterness. Although infertility affects women everyday of the year, for me Mother's Day was a sheer reminder to me of my broken body and my empty womb. Mother's Day was a reminder of what cancer took from me. On this day, more than any of the other days, I felt the accuser's lies yelling in my face, "You're not really a woman."

I miscarried in 2014 just two months before Mother's Day. I didn't want to go to church that Sunday. I was angry at God. I did not want to sit through another Mother's Day of the pastor asking all of the mother's to stand up so they could be honored and gifted with a flower. I wanted to stay in bed and cry and grieve. When our unborn child died, I felt like a piece of my heart died too. Those years were some of the darkest years of my life both spiritually and emotionally.

We later discovered through a few tests that the likelihood of me being able to bear children biologically would be medically impossible. Hopelessness and despair-two emotions that I became well acquainted with. When you think your identity as a woman is tied to being able to bear children and then you can't do the thing that you think your identity is tied to, hopelessness and despair typically follow. Shortly after we miscarried we moved to a little town just outside of Baton Rouge, Louisiana where I was introduced to an amazing counselor who loved Jesus and loved helping others. She was a gift from the Lord-a God send. The Lord used her in my life at a time when I needed it most.

Little by little I came to see the identity I had constructed in my head of what I was supposed to do or be as a woman had missed the mark. I got it wrong. As believers our identity is wrapped up in who Christ is and what He did on the cross. Our identity has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Jesus Christ. Seeing infertility through this Gospel lens is crucial for the health and wellbeing of our souls. How so? Because if we aren't careful we can allow our infertility to define us. And that's exactly what the accuser, Satan, desires. He wants us to become so wrapped up in our struggle with infertility that we forget the beautiful truth that in Jesus Christ we are complete. Satan longs for us to forget that it is in fact our Savior, not a negative pregnancy test, who deems our life worthy and gives us intrinsic value.

Although I am not consumed by my infertility like I once was, I still have sad moments and reminders of our loss. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad about sad things. God understands. And so I take my thoughts to Him and talk with Him about it. I don’t have to minimize my emotions or clean them up before I go to Him. I can just go to Him.

Overtime the Lord restored and redeemed that which was broken. He restored my heart and my mind. I don't walk around anymore thinking I'm less than because of my empty womb. I have joy. And not joy that can be found in anything this world has to offer. I'm speaking of the eternal joy found in Christ. The kind of joy that isn't swayed by circumstances because it's hope is secure in the Lord.

Our infertility led us to adoption. Adoption led us to our children. And now I am "mama" to my precious son and daughter, whom I can't imagine my life without. The Lord gives beauty for ashes and joy for mourning, friends. You may feel hopeless now, but that hopelessness will not be forever. "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5). I'm living proof.



He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Psalm 84:11

He withholds no good thing. These 5 words have been nourishment for my heart. God's Word, His promise, has been a healing balm to my spirit. I've clung to these words tightly over the past decade of my life and even more so over the past few years. 

I've asked God about His goodness and these “good things” while walking through some of the darkest nights. "Are you really good, God? I know you say that you withhold no good thing from your children, but I can't make sense of this." 

Negative pregnancy tests. 
Miscarriage and loss. 
Cancer surgery after cancer surgery. 
Unanswered prayers.

The other day I was sharing with a friend how I was desperately struggling with an unanswered prayer. But felt a lot of guilt around not being able to really believe that God wasn't withholding good from me. Because that’s how it felt…like God was withholding this from me.

She reminded me, "Kelly, I think it's okay to not feel okay right now." Her words rushed over my entire body from head to toe-body, mind and spirit. Then, a feeling of release ensued. All at once I felt the propensity of the weight I had been carrying. I recognized and named each thorn, each scar, and every piece of me that felt broken. I didn't try to make sense of it. I didn't try to push through immediately and find the purpose in the pain. Instead, I brought all of these broken pieces and fragments to Jesus. I laid them at His feet. I told Him I wasn't okay. I told Him how much my heart hurt. I told Him I didn't understand. I asked Him to help me. I told Him, “I know in your Word it says ‘you withhold no good thing from your children,’ but I’m struggling to believe this right now. Help me believe. Help me really believe."

Perhaps you can relate- the inner turmoil of knowing what God’s Word says, but your heart lagging behind, struggling to really believe. “God I know in your Word you say you have good things in store for me, but I just can’t see it now. Sometimes it feels like you are withholding this good thing from me.” If this is you, than I want you to know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you. I didn’t write this in “hindsight” looking back on the struggle. I’m in it now. I don’t have any quick fixes or cookie-cut answers for you. But I can tell what I’m doing. I’m continually running to the source of wisdom and asking Him to grant me wisdom and strength as I sit in the uncomfortableness and brokenness that comes with living in this fallen world.

The other day I was really struggling with this unanswered prayer and I didn’t feel like going to a conference that I was scheduled to attend. I made myself go anyway because I felt the Holy Spirit leading. As the speaker was sharing a bit of her story it resonated with some of the things I had been seeking the Lord about. I started tearing up because I knew that God wanted me in that room to hear everything the speaker had to say and in His kindness He got me there. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking directly to my heart as she continued to share,“Who told you that you’re missing out? Don’t you know that fullness is found in me!?”

Whatever you are going through-infertility, loss, the ups and downs of the adoption process, health issues, financial struggles, relationship issues, unanswered prayers, sit with the Holy Spirit and talk with Him about it. Ask Him for wisdom. God didn’t grant my unanswered prayer, but He gave me wisdom, generously, to be able to sit with the brokenness, while placing my hope in Christ and not my circumstances. He can do the same for you too, friend.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault,
and it will be given to you” (James 1:5)

Guest Post: Adoption Isn't A Way To Get Pregnant

The moment the nurse placed him in my arms, I knew we belonged to each other. All the tears and frustrations of the past several years pooled into a fountain of joy. Now I understood why God has us wait for a baby: So we could have this baby.

After my husband and I struggled with infertility, the Lord blew us away with His kindness and matched us with a loving birthmother. Through her brave choice, He gave us a son.

People were happy for us. They threw us showers, brought meals, and eagerly cuddled our son. Yet amid the celebration, we heard comments hinting at something better to come. A wink here, a nudged elbow there, the crack of a smile implying special intuition. I cringed every time someone uttered the words:

“Now that you’ve adopted, you’ll get pregnant. It happens all the time.”

No. No, it doesn’t happen all the time. Research on pregnancy after infertility doesn’t account for couples who adopt before getting pregnant. From a scientific standpoint, this idea is a myth.

People who say this mean well. They’re trying to give you hope that your longing for a biological child will be fulfilled. What they don’t understand is that this myth devalues adoptees. It regards the process of adoption as inferior to biological procreation, and an adopted child as less desirable than a biological child.

Regardless of good intentions, statements like “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant” hurt people. They question couples’ family-building decisions, treat children as a means to an end, and reject the core Christian belief that God created all human beings in His image (Genesis 1:27).

Every life matters to God. He calls us as His image bearers to respect and preserve the dignity of every single person. No matter how a child is brought into a family, he or she is worthy of value to the Lord and to the world.

God grows families through both pregnancy and adoption. The varied makeup of the earthly families he builds reflects the diversity of our spiritual family. We come from different backgrounds, far-flung places, and widely ranging walks of life, all broken and in need of rescue. By sending Christ to die in our place and raise to new life, God gave us the right to be called His adopted children. As He welcomed us into His family, so we can embrace and appreciate the mosaic of families he forms in the world.

Through earthly adoption, God does more than unite parents with children. He provides a path to redeem some of the damage the Fall inflicted on childbearing and family unity. He takes crises like infertility, unexpected pregnancy, and children who are orphaned or otherwise at risk and transforms them into opportunities for restoration.

As with any earthly process, adoption isn’t perfect. It can’t completely “fix” these problems. Yet the creation of a family born of loss renders hope for a broken world groaning to be made anew (Romans 8:19). Like with our spiritual adoption, we need earthly adoption to claim the family wholeness we crave.

Viewing adoption as secondary to biological procreation diminishes a beautiful process whereby God works redemption. Rather than a lesser means to a better end, adoption is a resolution, a responsibility, a calling, and a gift. It’s an end unto itself and should be appreciated as a providential plan. John Piper describes the intrinsic worth of both ways God designs a family:

“In our lives, there is something uniquely precious about having children by birth. That is a good plan. There is also something different, but also uniquely precious, about adopting children. Each has its own uniqueness. Your choice to adopt children may be sequentially second. But it does not have to be secondary. It can be as precious and significant as having children by birth.”

Although it’s rare, some couples do get pregnant after adopting. It happened to us. I have no explanation for it, other than to say God worked another miracle after the first miracle of bringing our oldest son through adoption. We’re grateful for how he formed our family using different paths at different times.

Wherever you’re at on the path of adoption, be prepared to encounter the myth that adoption leads to pregnancy. Even if infertility isn’t part of your story, you’ll hear it tossed around as a platitude or joke.

While it’s frustrating to be told such a harmful cliché, try to approach the situation as an opportunity to educate others. Tell them that a child who is adopted isn’t a consolation prize for parents who couldn’t conceive. Give them a clearer picture of adoption, acknowledging the risks and flaws while also highlighting the value and beauty of this path.

Ask the Lord to give you boldness and gentleness to correct the myth. Help others see the glorious ways God chooses to grow a family, that they might glorify your Father in heaven.


Jenn Hesse is a writer, wife, and mother through adoption and pregnancy. She is the content director at a national infertility support ministry called Waiting in Hope, and has a passion for equipping others to know Christ through His Word. She writes at jennhesse.com and other Christian publications.

Not Defined By Infertility: 3 Truths To Remember

My infertility once defined me. Every negative pregnancy test became a reminder of what my body couldn’t do. Baby shower invites would come in the mail and my heart would be overwhelmed with jealousy and a reminder of the brokenness I felt in my soul. A stroll through the baby clothes aisle at Target felt like walking onto a stage before a mocking crowd, as if a giant spotlight was shining on my empty tummy, reminding me that I was somehow less of a woman because of my barrenness. My entire life I was told the likelihood of having biological children would be very slim due to the cancer treatments I received as a baby. But after we were married I was still optimistic and hopeful that somehow God would heal my body. After all, my God is a God of miracles. I’d seen this to be true in my own life, as He healed my body of cancer more than once.

After a few years of struggling with infertility,  a positive pregnancy test appeared. But tragedy struck as quickly as the news came in, as I miscarried shortly after learning we were pregnant. The weight of that loss wrecked me. My tears bathed the pillow every night and every ounce of my body was grieving. I felt hopeless. I felt broken.  I didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house. When I did muster up the strength to get out of the house I felt like I had to dress myself up with a fake smile.

The death of our unborn child felt like being stuck in winterAs we greeted anger and sadness in the face, we started talking and lamenting over the loss with God, close friends and family. That was the most healing thing for us to do. And as we continued talking about the heavy thoughts and feelings we were experiencing and praying through the pain instead of running away from it, God continued healing our hearts.

Grace gave us the strength to trust Him through the loss and the reality of our infertility, knowing that He is a good Father, who loves us even when we couldn't make our way through the storm. And although most days I failed to see Him-the Son was always there. Eventually He melted the ice away and replaced my barrenness with hope- not hope in a positive pregnancy test or a child, but hope in Jesus Christ.

A doctor would tell you that I’m infertile, that statistically my chances of getting pregnant are impossible. But, I see it quite differently. God healed me. He just healed me in a different way than expected. God healed my heart to be at peace with my circumstances. Though my heart is content that doesn't equate to immunity from sadness over our loss or my infertility, but it doesn't consume my thoughts or define me like it once did.

For women struggling with infertility or loss I want to remind you that there is so much more to you than your inability to procreate. Infertility does not make you broken. Infertility does not make you less of a woman. Infertility does not make you unworthy. Infertility does not make you undesirable. But I also want you to know that if you've had some of these thoughts you are not alone. I've talked to many women over the years who have felt broken, less of a woman, unworthy and undesirable because of their infertility, myself included. But these are lies. And when we begin to see ourselves through these falsities and allow them to infiltrate our mind, we begin to believe them. We begin to see ourselves through these distorted lenses. So what do we do? We combat the lies with God's truth and promises. 

Lie: I'm broken.
Truth: Your body isn't broken, but Christ's body was broken for you. An empty womb is not the end of your story, but a Risen King from an empty grave is the beginning.  Christ came to this earth so we could have "life in abundance" (John 10:10). This fullness is explicitly and solely found in Christ alone.

Lie: I'm less of a woman. 
Truth: In Ephesians 2:10 Paul refers to the children of God as His "masterpieces." It does not say, "those who are fertile are God's masterpieces," does it? There is more to being a woman then the ability or inability to bear a child. You are first and foremost a child of God and those who are in Christ are "completed by Him" (not a positive pregnant test or a baby) (Colossians 2:10). All other identities you share (wife, friend, mother, employee) come after that one. Those identities, although wonderful, are not eternal like your relationship with your Heavenly Father. I am not trying to devalue our earthly relationships. Rather, I'm hoping to remind you that you are a child of God and that surpasses all other titles on this side of earth and heaven. 

Lie: I'm unworthy of love and undesirable. 
Truth: Your worthiness and desirableness are not based upon your ability to procreate. God went to great lengths to declare His love for you. He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die on a cross for you so that you could come to know Him and be known by Him. The Creator of the Universe, the one who placed the stars in the sky and causes the rain to water the ground, and flowers to bloom in their season, the One who fashioned every fiber of our DNA, desires a relationship with you. Let me repeat that: He desires you. He loves you. In Zephaniah 3: 17 we learn that God takes "great delight" in His children and "rejoices" over them "with singing."  You must learn to believe these truths as you are sifting through the lies. Your value and your worth are not contingent upon your ability to conceive. Your value and worth are found in Christ and nothing can dilute that-not even infertility.

Keep running to Jesus with all of your big thoughts and emotions. He can handle it. Keep pouring out your honest cries and prayers before the Lord. He is a good listener-the best. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you cling to His promises over any lies that the enemy would want you to believe about yourself or your situation. Remember that God is with you wherever you are, whatever you are feeling. You are not alone, sweet friend. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit" (Psalm 34:18). 

Getting Through Mother's Day After A Loss

It’s the day before Mother’s Day and I have so many women on my mind who are struggling with infertility and loss. As I was praying for these sweet ladies, a post I wrote over 6 years ago, 2 months after our miscarriage, kept coming to mind. I don’t know who needs to hear these words, but I’m confident someone does.

May 10, 2014

This would have been my very first  Mother’s Day with a little baby growing inside of me, but here I am in my bed, weighed down by a mountain of grief, unable to put my feet on the floor. I have been praying that God would give me (and others) strength to get through tomorrow, but I know it will still sting. This Mother’s Day will be a reminder of the loss of our baby. It will be a reminder of a broken dream. Mothers will post pictures of their “Mother’s Day” gifts and “Mother’s Day” lunches (as they should). It is something to be celebrated. Young mothers will get homemade drawings from their little ones and husbands will buy their wives a bouquet of flowers (as they should). Mother’s Day will be difficult for me to celebrate this year because it will be a constant reminder of our loss.

On this Mother’s Day, please honor your mothers, but don’t forget about those who have had a miscarriage or are struggling with infertility. Also, be mindful that many women (and men) have lost their mother or child. It may be difficult for them to be joyous on this occasion-so be understanding if they do not appear to be as “celebratory” as you. Be sensitive, gracious and very mindful of your words. “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Proverbs 16:24). A simple: “I am praying for you” is more than sufficient.

To the women (and men) who are stung by a loss or infertility, please know it is more than ok (and quite normal) to struggle with feelings of anger and sadness-especially on Mother’s Day. You don’t have to dress yourself with a fake smile. Take your thoughts, take your sadness, take your frustration, take your brokenness, take it all to the feet of your Savior. He is a good Father. He is the best listener and He never gets tired of wiping your tears. I know your heart may feel broken and shattered into a million pieces, but our God is the Great Physician and He will help you.

A week after my miscarriage, I wrote a very honest letter to the Lord. I am not going to share all of it now (maybe one day), but I would like to disclose a portion with you:

“Where do I go from here? Where do we go from here? Great question. All I know is this: We are going to keep loving Jesus. And when we need to cry….we are going to cry. And when anger overcomes us we aren’t going to suppress it, but rather we will bring those feelings before the Lord, for He understands. We will keep running to the Ultimate healer who is more than able to restore our broken hearts.”

On this Mother’s Day don’t forget about those who are struggling with pain from prior losses or infertility. Pray for them. Pray that the Lord would bring complete healing to their soul. To all of the AMAZINGLY courageous women who contacted me after I shared about our miscarriage, sharing similar experiences, I will be thinking of you and praying for you tomorrow. I have found myself asking, “Lord, how am I going to get through the day tomorrow? It is just going to be an overwhelming reminder of our loss.” The Lord brought me to HIS WORD: “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns” (Psalm 46:5). Remember: The Lord is walking with you tomorrow and if you need Him to…He will carry you through this storm. You are never alone.